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remebering
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Name: anina
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Sacramento
Birthday: 9/4/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: dancing, led zepplin, sleeping, music, my family(suprisingly), friends, Garden State, coldplay, the shins, ben harper, the white stripes, chocolate, zoolander, dark skin, eyelashes, poems, emily dickinson, the smell of fresh laundry, the warmth of the smooth boulders along the river, summertime, the crab apple blossoms in spring, people who are real, honesty, relaxing music, bush(glycerine), dashboard confessional, guns n' roses, the smell of air before rain, snowdays, jack johnson, guys with faux mowhawks, eyebrow peircings, foo fighters, AC/DC, tori amos, the stars at night when im camping, the beatles, the smell of boys cologne, fresh cut grass, ladybugs, pointe shoe ribbons, erasable pens, blind melon (no rain), butterfly boucher, road trips with convertibles, best friends since kindergarten, Top gun, chipped nailpolish, sleeping outside, franz ferdinand, modest mouse, 3rd eye blind, books, trigger happy tv, viva la bam, nirvana, napoleon dynamite, center stage, red hot chili peppe
Expertise: ummm dance
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
MSN: anina_tee@hotmail.com
Member Since:
11/25/2004
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| I let myself pretend for just one second
that he was you
and i kissed him that much deeper
and gripped his back
imagining i felt your muscles
if i took off his shirt and looked underneath
there would be your tattoo
i thought maybe his breathing
sounded a little like yours
and maybe if i listened really close
i would hear him whisper that he loved me
just like you used to
i felt like maybe his weight above me
pressed down just like yours
and covered me the way your limbs used to
I pretended so well that when i opened my eyes
your blue ones stared back at me
for just a second
until he spoke
and then i remembered
that he was a stranger
and we were not in love
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| um so i just looked back on my blogs of the past and besides bringing back memories of some pretty interesting relationships I realized that i used to actually post some pretty good poetry instead of lame rants about my trivial life frustrations, actually the poems were usually about my life frustrations but whatever, i resolve to write more poetry again basically. or at least something other than my awful moments of crazy | | |
| i hate long distance. i hate not feeling like im really a part of your life. i mean, i know that i am, and i love you and you love me etc. but the fact that we spend our days apart and you barely have time to text me and i get a short phone call at night in which usually not much is said and if im lucky i get to see your face via video chat but usually i dont get to say the things i want because my roommates are here and your brother is showing me his homemade tatoo gun over your shoulder. i just want to feel like i know what you do everyday, i want to get to have two hour long covnersations with you where we talk about everything, but lately you just dont seem to have much to say. i hate it when were on the phone and there is just silence while i wait for you to say something. it makes me feel so disconnected from you, and like you just dont have much to say to me. i know your usually a quiet person, i just wish you didnt have to be with me. you say that you love me and you need me and you miss me, and i have to hear those things, but i also just want to know little things, like what you ate for lunch or what your thinking about or how your sister is and how crazy your mom is. i want to feel like im there again, like this summer when we spent all day in bed and all afternoon climbing boulders at the river and nights eating whatever we could make and watching movies. i just want to feel together again. and its hard when you dont have time for me. its hard knowing that at the end of the day your so tired from school and homework and everything that theres not much left for me. and i know that i have all of you, but it just isnt enough. i am needy i guess is the bottom line. i feel isolated and apart from you. its harder to feel like your mine when i cant hold you, so i guess words become more important. its harder when i think that i need you and miss you more than you miss and need me. | | |
| sometimes i just feel absolutely crazy
starved for something
and suffering akwardly through gaps in the phone connection
flipping my cell phone open every minute
to catch a glimpse of text that might indicate presence
most of all wanting solid things
like touch, and warmth
the sound of words rather than an echo or a nuance
and the concrete evidence of love rather than a hollow proclamation
and feeling like marbles going down the funnel when he doesnt talk
or call
or write
when lives dont intersect for moments and then it goes
all achy and twittering and down
its just hating moments that i cant look back on and remember him there | | |
| i've been thinking alot about it all lately. there are so many regrets and questions i have that sometimes it just takes over my head. and i keep thinking about the note he wrote me about cookies and it made no sense and it was so him that i laughed even though i felt like crap and i knew i was a horrible person. and i remember sitting in the bathroom with him backs against the bathtub and lights off and telling him that i just couldnt feel that way anymore and im not sure if it was true or if i just couldnt change feeling hurt into feeling love maybe. cuz i always wanted to tell him i loved him just in a different way. and i remember laying in bed with him and it was raining outside and there was a candle burning and we watched some weird sci-fi show and he stroked my arm and then never spoke to me again and it meant nothing to him but something to me and for weeks all i could do was wonder what happened. and i remember when i was depressed on new years and he started kissing me and i was so out of it and he kept asking what was wrong and i couldnt tell him it was because his friend didnt feel the same way and the last night i wanted was his kisses. and i remember how much i wanted to kiss him in the dark in a sleeping bag and i did but it wasnt anything and the next day my heart sank when i realized that it wasnt nothing to him and id just made him feel the way that id felt so many times. and i remember my heart fluttered when he asked me to the dance but then for some reason i was scared and now i wish i hadnt been because he is amazing. and its bizarre because they are all different boys...but i cared about all of them. i guess i just didnt understand in what way. i messed everything up and i lost all of them. i wish i could talk to them but i dont think any of them would want to speak to me and i cant blame them. but they are really amazing people and they were great friends. | | |
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